Write more...shall I?

I have been told I should write more.

I agree in principle.

But when it comes to actually putting thoughts down on paper or rather here for the world to see, there occurs a dilemma.

Do I want you to know what I am thinking, what's happening in my life or how am I reacting to it?

Probably not.

Take the latest bizzare turn of events (the exact nature of which I can not disclose) for example, would read like a badly adapted soap opera with all the necessary razzmatazz.

Then I wonder why I would not write about it. Do I care about what the characters of the aforementioned drama series would think? I don't think so, does not particularly sound like me. Yes yes I know - how very sensitive!

Its probably more to do with the fact that if I write it down it will become a documented fact of my life...and uggghhh this idiocy shall not become a part of my biography, unless of course it shows character and patience and depicts all those lovely virtues of mine ;)

The unremembered spanned an eon,

life drowned while faces blurred,

I was a God & I was alone,

I was mine the day I died

Music played,

words were a haze

the rhythm stayed

when I drowned the water moved with me

Did I cry?

Did I laugh?

Did I shout how I loved you?

Or did I let you down too?

Time sank with my heartbeat

the chill burnt through my veins

peace was so close

and then I was washed ashore

I want to write

I quit my job a few months back. The pointlessness of it all had become unbearable. After a long time - actually for the first time in my life I have nothing to do, nowhere to get to, no timelines, no deadlines…nothing. I like nothing.

Today I have spent most of my day sleeping … have seen 2 movies and then I wanted to write… you know one of those days when you have to HAVE TO write and are stumped coz there’s nothing to say – but as I have already said that I like nothing I am going to write away. Lets hope it makes sense!

I was wondering how I got here (in a good way)... you know stuff you think about when you have nothing else to think about... abt destiny... whether life chooses a path or the destination. How the little choices we make make who we are... how when a butterfly flaps its wings somewhere and theres a storm someplace else(or a tornado...u know what i mean)...jab saabu ko gussa aata hai kahin jwalamukhi phatta hai (no...thats different).

I was born with a particular amount of, for the lack of a better word, intelligence – I am brighter than your average chap on the road – so I was meant to be first in class… I quite liked it too and it was rarely difficult. So after my X boards it was an obvious choice that I would take science… with Math & Bio… primarily coz I wanted to have the option of being a Doctor or an Engineer open for another 2 years (I am neither now).

While I waited for my engineering results (I did get into RECs… though not IIT – wonder what that would have been like) I enrolled in Miranda House… Economics (Economics sounded nice…had heard much about the subject) …quite liked Micro-eco… so gave up the engineering thing and stayed on in Delhi. Some one asked me what I wanted to be and I said “a Banker” (huh! Why? Cant remember!)

So a few years on I was a banker… having done an MBA… earning more than a few lakhs… living on my own in the maximum city… and then I quit.

It wasn’t what I wanted, wasn’t the life I wanted to lead, wasn’t anything at all. The most amusing was how people looked at me as if I was crazy for quitting without having another job in hand… to top it all I told them it’s because I was bored. It was fun messing with them but that lost its charm way too quickly – people & their reactions are predictable... very very predicatble.

I am back now… to the city of djinns (Delhi…for the ones who don’t read Dalrymple).

Kaun jaaye Zauq par Dilli ki galiyan chod kar J

special days...

so here's a resolve: I shall make tomorrow beautiful...memorable. Not have my mood swings, be nice to people, not snap and not shout, keep it all under control, for once - smile for no reason, laugh till i cry... lemme make it special... for no reason except that I'm living it... coz I'm spl... coz this day is mine... I'm mine... so as everyone says - it all feels so good - my heart beats harder in anticipation for a day so special... for everyday so special...

... and then... such is life!!

close ure eyes...

thr r days - tht v can easily do without - but thts an option v havent been born with...

yet - thr r things, ppl, places, thots n memories tht can make everything alrite - something like the sorcerer's stone -- and the elixir of life for the uninitiated. So jus close ure life n live tht thot - tht person - tht plc - and ul know tht life is not a zero sum game. its gud... its positive...

so close ure eyes and take a deep breath... it leads me to wot keeps me away frm my temper -- and i need to think of it more thez days (lets not think bt tht rt now)....so eyes closed and deep breathing -- and therz the cool breeze... and im in a meadow... lush green -- and golden brown contrasts -- daisies smiling back at u (arent they the friendliest flowers) butterflies - rabbits - birds - trees -- mango trees -- do u know tht mango smell wen the tree flowers... its one of the sweetest smells in the world... jus stand in the meadow and take in the blend -- its amazing how pure things can be in a place untouched by man...how u can tell them apart and yet not question thr blend...

have u heard the sound of a shallow stream - water on rocks - flowin - gushin - rocks u can walk on... in ankle deep water - tht cn tk u with it - the chil tht wil travel thru ure body purifying u of all...

so thts my place - my dream - whr i go wen i dnt want to go anywhr - whr im wen im nowhere - and where i wil be forever the day i find it...

Re-living...

Has it ever happened to you that in the span of a song you saw a whole lot of your life.... happening in front of you as if you were just a bystander - part of a larger audience - seeing your life unfold... you know whats coming next but its yet interesting - you yet feel all you ever felt as you watch - i gues coz its ure life -- its true -- it happened. It was pretty -- it is yet pretty -- with a promise of being beautiful.

And you are watching -- almost like the movies -- u laugh u cry u meet ppl u make frens u fight u love u lie and u tell the truth -- everything is so temporary -- shots change -- scenes change -- ppl change -- life changes -- and you feel you will never be sad again... more scenes and you feel you feel you'd never smile again -- its funny how feelings so ephemeral can feel so permanent -- how you can feel them under your skin...

you feel you are dying -- you feel you won't see another day -- you realise that was years ago -- you realise thats plural -- and then the song changes...have you ever seen your life in 4:37 min ???

taru n i...

it is strange how ppl can belong... and connect...i've hardly made any frens... and i've barely kept any of em...and yet here's this woman - i know will be around when i'm 70 - callin me n askin if i wanted to go get a mississippi mudslice - and how abhishek bachchan stil luks like microwaved truffle...thts how v talk... in choclate...its very dificult to imagine life widout this gal... taru -- my alter-ego